Loving mindfully, or meditation in the service of love.

After reading Thich Nhat Hanh's wonderful book "Loving Mindfully", I chose to talk to you today about mindfulness meditation in romantic relationships.

It is now accepted that mindfulness helps reduce stress, better manage difficult emotions and promote inner peace.

But not only that. Mindfulness meditation, according to Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, is a formidable tool for romantic relationships.

Because like troubled water, it clears up if we let it rest, a calmer, clearer mind, the letting go of thoughts and emotions, allows us to go through the affects without being demoralized by them.

But how will mindfulness meditation improve harmony in our romantic relationship?

Mindfulness meditation allows us to calm the play of our thoughts about the uncertainty of the future, regrets of the past or imaginary scenarios that poison all relationships. Mindfulness allows us to reconnect with the source of love and joy that is within us.

As we practice mindfulness, we are less in need, less in a situation of emotional poverty, but rich in gestures, words and attention to offer to others.

Moreover, mindfulness forces us to be true to ourselves.

Mindfulness meditation reconnects us to our intuition, to our deep inspirations. Thanks to it we develop our emotional intelligence, our intuitive acuity and our ability to assert our needs.

Mindfulness gives us the ability to listen to ourselves and to listen to others.

With mindfulness meditation, we are no longer in emotional reaction. Mindfulness meditation allows us to no longer take things personally, if the other does not seem to appreciate the efforts we make for them or if they reproach us when we do our best.

But how can we love and respect ourselves while listening to the needs of others?

This is done through " non-violent conscious communication"

Very often when we disagree with others, we are either aggressive towards the other or passive towards ourselves.

“Nonviolent conscious communication” allows us to be respectful of others as well as ourselves.

To achieve this, there is a method called OSBD , it consists of starting with an objective observation , then by expressing one's feelings , then by stating one 's fundamental needs, and finally making a request to the other.

Then, we invite our interlocutor to do the same.

I recently tried this method with my ex-partner and his reaction during our conversation made me realize that I was on the wrong track and that our relationship was not based on true love but on attachment. Which led me to end this story that was ultimately doomed to failure.

So this brings us to say that mindfulness meditation asks us to take care of ourselves.

Because taking care of yourself means respecting yourself. And it is as important as the relationship itself. Mindfulness means in English "to be attentive"; it evokes presence, kindness, and gentleness, in the silent empathetic listening of the other.

Being caring means taking responsibility for being interested and looking out for the well-being of oneself and others.

This is mindfulness in action, not just in intention. Feeling a caring presence around you is a beautiful act of love every day. And it is better than any fiery declarations. It nourishes the relationship and avoids routine, by fostering gratitude and appreciation in the long term.

Know how to love in joy rather than in fear.

Mindfulness allows us to find inner security in the present moment. It is not in jealousy, control, or a reflection of our fears.

Mindfulness allows us to have a sexuality in openness, without having anything to prove, and without expectations of results.

This allows us to love without fear of disappointing, and in the acceptance of what is, of the present moment. Everything is natural and the sexual act becomes a celebration of the experience of the present moment.

We can make love with a kiss, a caress, a look, ... there is no stereotypical unfolding. This allows us to experience this act of love without any notion of performance because there is no goal to achieve. Other than that of opening up to the other and fully living the present moment.

Reading the book "Loving Mindfully" by Thich Nhath Hanh, a very beautiful passage stands out that I share with you to conclude this article and which speaks of "How to recognize true love?"

So I repeat his words:

"True love offers us beauty, freshness, solidity, freedom and peace. True love contains within it the feeling of deep joy. If we do not feel all this when we love, then it is not true love."

Buddha also offers us a very beautiful approach to true love.

This love that brings authentic and lasting happiness.

According to him, if a love is not true, it will inevitably bring suffering for me as well as for you.

True love has 4 elements according to Buddha

1. Kindness , or the ability to bring happiness to others. If I am not able to make others happy, it is not true love.

2. Compassion , if I am not able to take care of your suffering and mine, it is not true love

3. Joy , if in a romantic relationship I make the other person cry, it is not true love.

4. Inclusion , or the absence of exclusion, separation. Love is not limited, it extends without discrimination.

Thanks to Olivier Raurich, author of "Mindfulness at the heart of the romantic relationship" - Edition Jouvence published on 11/2/2020 who also inspired this article.

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